The other night I was out with my friend Kellie. We stopped in a 7-Eleven and happened upon a very crass and dusty Black man. He had to have been all of 35 years-old and had some fuzzy straight back cornrows. His entire essence gave me the impression that he’s either just finishing a stint in jail or about start one, undoubtedly related to unpaid child support or a botched robbery. This guy thought he’d talk very loudly about defecation in front of a few pretty women, no doubt to garner some attention and wow us with his charm. He defended his prepubescent potty humor chatter by saying “It’s natural!” Yeah, it is but let’s not pretend that if I had started talking about menstruation or childbirth he wouldn’t have fallen to pieces. I turned around to get a little cash for the evening from the ATM and when I was done, this grown ass Dust Bunny was still talking, being a complete jerk,  but had turned his attention to Kellie. So I frowned at his lameness. I’d had about enough of him at that point. He asks me “Why you frownin’ Miss Lady?” I chuckled at his utter ridiculousness and asked him “Why are you talking??” and we walked out. He ended up passing us on the sidewalk outside and yelled over to me “Shawty, don’t ever ask me why I’m talkin’ again.” Boy, bye…with your wack delayed response. Check this out:

Me: “Sir. Really? What are you gonna do? Like, for real?”

Him: “I ain’t gonna do nothin’; I ain’t gotta do nothin’.”

Me: “OK then. Gone and catch up with your friend. We’re done here.”

Him: “You need to go comb your hair!”

I tell this story to illustrate the utter ridiculousness of attempting to insult someone by making statements in relation to factual information. This is the logic of the unfunny, the hurt and the desperate. Fuzzy Wuzzy tried to come for me by saying that my hair was unkempt and needed combing. “Nappyheaded”, right? So original. So ironic. But the truth of the matter is I didn’t not comb my hair before I left home. I usually don’t because that’s not how I care for my hair. I’ve also been “insulted” (mostly by Angry Ugly Bitter Men) by being called “fat”, “short”, “Black”, some derivative of “old” (stop guessing at my age because you will never be right) and making mention of my wigs.

This is the laziest bullshyt I’ve ever had thrown my way.

Look, when you get mad and start making statements of fact about someone in order to alleviate your little hurt-ass feelings, you look like a fool. ESPECIALLY when you do it in a public forum (on the street/Twitter/Facebook/My blog comment sections). Calling a Black girl “Black” or a Fat Girl “fat” is silly and bland. No one is impressed. Telling a Naturalista to “go comb her hair” isn’t insulting, it’s nonsensical. Same for calling a woman in her 30’s “old”. I mean, that may make sense if you’re like 19 or have the mentality of a teenager. Either way, as a rational woman, there is simply no way I can respond to any of that and not look as shamefully stupid as the one attempting to hurl the insults. I would not even begin to waste the glory of my eviscerating wit on someone who will NEVER ever be a worthy opponent. You are King Zero No Higher of The Loser Brigade.

Besides, those things you point out to try to hurt my feelings are the very things that made you notice me in the first place, right? You just didn’t anticipate being so attracted to them. Make the world a better place and go deal with your issues.

~pbg