Dear PBG,

I have found myself in a situation that I’m not sure how to fix. My best friend and I have been closer than close since we were 12 yes old and have known each other our ENTIRE lives. (We will both be 29 this summer.)  She is the one person with whom I feel I can really stalk to with no pretense. We’ve had our ups and downs throughout the years (not usually arguments, but there have been instances where she and I stop speaking for months on end. Usually when she does something janky and can’t figure out how to apologize.) Each time she does this, we usually begin speaking again and all is forgiven (but never forgotten). I’ve know from day one that she and I were not cut from the same cloth, nor do we have the same familial structure. Where I am the baby of my family and grew up with a stable mom that worked in corporate America and three older sisters who were well on there way to being great role models, she was the oldest child of a young mother and was often left at home alone and received no real  “raising”. In school, she barely graduated while I was in honors classes- in fact, we often joke that though we went to the same school for two years, it was if we went to two entirely different once since our friends/teachers/h.s. experience in general was so different.

The problem is that I am now to the point where I feel like I can no longer take her ignorance. She is far from being “stupid” but she just doesn’t care. She has two kids, a ten yr old and a two year old that she does nothing with. I mean Nothing. She drops them off every chance she gets despite the fact that she works at night and is at home all day and usually wide awake. She doesn’t read, watch the news or care about any current events going on around her.

In December I went to take the test to work for the Census as a second job and told her about it. She made up a bunch of (lame) excuses as to why she couldn’t do it despite the fact that she is ALWAYS broke and has two mouths to feed. I started my training for the census this week and was on the phone with her while in the class. She proceeded to bitch and moan about the fact the training was five days for four hours. I reminded her that it’s paid ($18.75) training and the motive (for me) is the money and that it wasn’t that bad since I was doing exactly what I would be doing if I were home (talking on the phone with her) except I was getting paid for it. She continued to bitch…then I asked her if she’d ever made (or came close to making) that much money in her life. She replied ‘No, but still…”

*sigh*

When we have conversations and I tell her something that I KNOW from experience, her first instinct is always to tell me I’m wrong- whether it’s the cost of internet service (which I’ve had for yrs and she has had never), or directions to a mall in another city (that I’ve been to repeatedly and she had not been once). I don’t like going out with her during the day because I never know how she’s going to come out of the house (scarf, a man’s oversized white tee, no bra, holes /spots everywhere). If I comment on it, she says “I don’t care” (that’s her fav phrase). A few weeks ago she was boo-hooing over some scumbag that she’d been sleeping with and who constantly disrespected her and dissed her and I let her know that if she didn’t care, why would anyone else. I thought it would give her something to think about and work on, but no such luck.

It’s getting to the point where I don’t like talking to her because I know she’ll end up saying something stupid that will piss me off. Honestly, she is everything that the woman I am now despises and wants to change about my community. I don’t respect her because she does not care enough about anything (herself, her children, her future) to make the changes needed. And as much as she complains about her current financial and relationship state, she makes no moves to change it even though she knows how.

I guess the advice I need is what do I do? Do I cut her out of my life even though she doesn’t do anything to harm me personally? Do I continue to be her friend and just let her know where I think she is going wrong should she continue to ask? She’s been such an important part of my life; I just don’t know how to cut her out of it…or even if that is what I would need to do at all. I don’t lose any sleep over her ignorance, and honestly, I feel like if she and I weren’t friends, she’d be even MORE clueless since she tends to hear about things through me.

Being friends with someone who refuses to even attempt to improve their life situation is absolutely frustrating. You love your very good girlfriend and you want the best for her and her kids, but even more than that, you want HER to want it for them. Unfortunately, you can’t make this happen for her. Even being a positive example through a continued friendship with you hasn’t worked. She will have to develop a desire to do and be better all on her own.

With that being the truth, I still don’t think you should abandon this friendship. What your friend needs is accountability. She needs someone that truly cares about her to call her out on her mess, early and often. People who don’t give a damn about her won’t do that. Only a friend who has seen her beginnings and has a vested interest in her future success, for whatever reason will be strong enough to do that. Apparently, that’s you. Why else do you think that despite your own personal growth,  you are STILL in her raggedy little life? It would’ve been easy for you to dismiss her as a “hood rat” and disassociate yourself.  But you are still there with her, after a lifetime of ups and downs. This what I like to call “Divine Responsibility”. You have a calling in her life. 

I know that I have to credit a lot of my own personal growth to my friend Tara taking the responsibility of our friendship so seriously that she believed that she was not to abandon my messy behind (and oh, I was SOOO damn messy!), but show me how real friends loved each other and held each other up in the best and worst of times. Up until then, I didn’t have a clue how to conduct myself in adult relationships with other women. I saw them all as either annoyances or competition to be disposed of at will. That’s not what it’s about at all: it’s about support, trust, growth and love. My life has been so much better since she took me on and I truly cannot thank God enough for bringing her into my life.

Be there for your friend. Stay connected. She needs to have someone hold a mirror up to her bullshiggity so she can see herself as she is and what she can be, and you possess the strength needed to do it. This will be an act of love that the both of you will surely appreciate one day.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg