Archive for Hey You Asked

Hey You Asked: Advice For A Transitioning Naturalista

4 Comments
by ThePBG on August 21st 2011
in Beauty & Style, featured, From The Email Bag, Hey You Asked, Natural Hair, Uncategorized     
tags: , ,    

Dear PBG,

                I am 24 yrs old and have never had the interest or desire to transition to natural hair until now. My hair was falling out in patches and the breakage was unbearable.  I cut my hair in May and I haven’t had a perm since February. I have been researching how to transition to natural hair but everywhere I look someone is talking about THE BIG CHOP, weaves or wigs. I need your help!!!! Please let me know what I can do with my hair to make this transition without THE BIG CHOP or weaves. I don’t mind braids but I would love to wear my hair out and enjoy it while I make this healthy transition. Please give me any advice you can as far as products I can use and easy hairstyles. I refuse to do THE BIG CHOP.  My hair and I would go into shock, so any advice, tips, forums or links you can tell me about would be great.

 

 Thank You,

Natural Hair Crybaby

 

Hey Naturalista! Don’t cry. It’s not as difficult as you think it is.

First off, I think the reason that people recommend the Big Chop over transitioning is because hanging on to permed ends isn’t the best choice when going natural. The “line of demarcation” is where your fresh natural texture new growth meets your permed hair:

source: www.antihairslave.com

That is where your hair is weakest when you’re growing your hair out and it is very susceptible to breakage. In reality, there is no real reason to hang on to permed ends if you’re going to stop using relaxers. But, I know that we tend to want to hang on to our length. Believe me, I know. I transitioned for a year before I just gave up and chopped. That Length Struggle be REAL for Black girls! LOL! But that doesn’t mean you can’t hold on to your length while you grown your hair out. It just means you have to be very careful. Minimal heat and minimal manipulation and what I like to call “mini chops”. “Mini chops” are when you get a little bit of the perm cut out every few months until it’s all gone. That way you will save yourself and your hair from “shock”. LOL…when I read that part of your letter I laughed out loud…Hair grows back! I promise! LOL!  Since you don’t mind braids, those would be a perfect protective style for you.

My friend Kellie held on to her permed ends for a long time, so when I was doing her hair through her transition time, the styles that worked best were roller/rod sets and bantu knot-outs. You can find tutorials for these very simple styles on Youtube. Once we cut off Kellie’s permed hair, her curls POPPED like crazy and her hair seemed to grow faster than before and she was just more satisfied with her hair. Eventually you will too, so don’t fret.

As for products, I am a big fan of Oyin Handmade products (burnt sugar pomade, juices n’ berries moisturizing spray)  and Shea Moisture products (deep treatment masque, curl & style milk) for styling. My favorite shampoo is Dr.Bronner’s All-In-One Peppermint Soap and my favorite conditioner is Tresseme Naturals for curly hair. I use EcoStyler Olive Oil or Aragan Oil Gels exclusively and Lottabody Olive Oil Styling Foam for roller and rod sets. I use Giovanni Direct Leave-In Conditioner exclusively now after starting out with Cantu Shea Butter Leave In last year. My favorite oils are extra virgin coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil and apricot oil. In winter when I prefer something heavier I use avocado butter or castor oil.

Check out these blogs/forums for more advice on transitioning and caring for your natural hair:

Curly Nikki

Back To Curly

 

 

(I’ll add more later, but these are the ones I read regularly).

And while I don’t always post a lot on technique and care for natural hair, I tend to write a lot about attitudes and experiences with natural hair. Click on that tag at the top of my post to check out some of it.

I hope this helps and feel free to ask any other questions you have!

 

Dedicated Readers, any additional advice for this transitioning Naturalista? Feel free to drop links and tips in the comment section. Thanks!

 

~pbg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Tumblr
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Google Buzz
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us

Chimps and Sheep and Llamas, Oh My!: Female vs. Woman

3 Comments
by ThePBG on April 21st 2011
in Culture, featured, Hey You Asked, My Voice, Women     
tags: , , ,    

The other day, I got a question from a very nice young man that follows my extra secretive, G-14 classified microblog over on Tumblr:

“Hey Auntie, I have a question that I’ve been thinking about for a while. It stems from something I read a while back. I’m admitting my ignorance on this because I don’t understand this fully, but why is the term “Female” not good to use? I’ve kinda refrained from using it but I don’t know why.”

First of all, this question was refreshing because this young man is a.) admitting that he just doesn’t know and not assuming that what he thinks is OK for women should just be OK and b.) he’s deferring to a woman on a woman’s issue.

The “female v. woman” debate is one that I run into at least once a week. I’m either attempting explain the difference to a man who isn’t as humble and open as the young man who asked the question above and has decided that I as a woman just needs to accept what he says about how I should feel about the issue or commiserating with other women who don’t like being called “female”.

What I find more disturbingly incredible than anything is the fact that so many men want to ARGUE the point of what a woman should be called, WITH OTHER WOMEN.  If a woman asks to be referred to as a “woman” and not “a female”, then why argue that? Why not just refer to her as such? While I can totally see why it is very important to a woman to be referred to as a woman, I can’t see why it’s so important for a man NOT to refer to a woman as “woman”. Or is it just the male ego at play?

There are males and females in just about every species of animal in nature. The Animal Kingdom is split up like this so we can procreate and propagate our respective species. As I was thinking about this topic of “female v. woman”, I became curious about what OTHER female animals are called and this is what I was able to discover:

A female chimpanzee is called an "empress".

 

A female sheep is called a "ewe".

A female llama is called a "hembra".

And a female cat is a “queen”, a female dog is a “bitch” and a female squid is a “hen”. But there are human males who have a problem with calling a human female something as simple as “woman”. *long, heavy sigh*

But as for this young man’s question, here’s my answer and I hope this clears up the confusion and can end the debate. This is just my opinion, but I know that it is shared by many other women and even some men:

“Female” is a descriptor. It’s not what I am. It describes my personage, just like “short” and “black”. But what I actually am is a woman. A female human being. “Female” can be applied to any animal. My cat is “female”, but we are not the same. My mother’s dog is “female” and I love her, but we aren’t the same either. Calling me  a“female” minimizes my humanity or even negates it completely in the minds of people (usually men) who need to recognize it more than anything when dealing with me. Call me a woman and respect my humanity. I want you to remember that I am a human just like you are every time we encounter each other. That’s important to me. Do not dismiss the fact that I am human just like you by categorizing me along with every other animal on the planet. Dehumanizing a person is the first thing someone does in attempts to subjugate and abuse them. (see, slavery).

Some people say it doesn’t matter if a woman is called “woman” or “female”, but I think that it does. I think it matters a lot in the way people think and how they treat one another. Words are powerful and can shape the way an entire race of people think and behave. #propaganda When we insist on referring to one another in terms of humanity, it causes us to recognize and respect that humanity and treat each other like real people. And yes, women are real people too.

 

~pbg

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Tumblr
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Google Buzz
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us

Hey, You Asked: When To Seperate Friends From Business

No Comment
by ThePBG on November 5th 2010
in featured, Hey You Asked, Series, Uncategorized     
   

I have an issue. A really good friend of mine and I are in the same organization. She sits as the President of this organization, and I am just a regular old member. Throughout her administrative year, she has bitched and moaned about the inaction of her Vice President, while I have picked up her slack and worked like a dog in ensuring her goals are achieved. From sending emails, to hosting fundraisers, to fixing numerous errors, I have really done the job of President. Well, naturally, since the VP is not doing her job, I believe she should not be promoted to President next year. As it stands, the current way for me to run against the VP for the slot of President, would be to have the President contact HQ for permission to hold “Open Elections”. This would mean that all seats would be available for grabs.

Over the last few weeks, my best friend and I have been going back and forth over this issue of her requesting permission to have open elections. While she has stated time after time again about how much of a gift I am to the organization and would make the “perfect” President, she doesn’t want to seek permission. The President doesn’t want to appear as though she is siding with her best friend. While I remind her that the election results are a reflection of everyone who is a member of our organization, and not her personal decision, she feels as though her name will be tainted and that she would be backstabbing a member.

Am I wrong for not understanding what the big deal is and wanting her to stick up for me? From the way I see it, all she would be doing is allowing me (and anyone else who wants to have a chance at that seat) a fighting chance at the position of President. However, because I’m a bit sour with the situation, I realized that my thoughts could be cloudy. I need another view on this situation. HELP!!!

This seems like a very simple issue. If your friend who is the President of the organization is truly dissatisfied with the work of her VP, why wouldn’t she want to have open elections to fill her position of President once her term is over? Yes, you’ve done a lot in taking up the slack due to the current Vice President’s poor work ethic and your friend should be grateful. But she wouldn’t be showing personal favor to you by opening up the elections to anyone in the organization to become President. She would be showing an overall concern with the direction and leadership of all its members.

If you’re sour because this is your friend and she’s not giving you a chance at the Presidency, then you are wrong. If you’re sour because she isn’t forward thinking in terms of what’s best for the organization, maybe you should have other members take up the issue along with you. This is about what’s best overall, not about anyone’s ego and them feeling like they have “the right” to be in charge for whatever reason. I’m sure you aren’t the only one who thinks that they would do a good job heading things and making a real difference.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

Photobucket

Share and Enjoy:
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Tumblr
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Google Buzz
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us

Hey, You Asked: Dating Somebody’s Baby’s Daddy

20 Comments
by The Pretty Brown Girl on August 4th 2010
in Hey You Asked, Letters, Series, Uncategorized     
tags: , , , , ,    

PBG!
I have a serious question and I was hoping to gain some insight. I know you’ll give it to me straight. So here goes:

I’ve been in a wonderful relationship with a great man for a year now. We connected early in an amazing way. One of the best things about our relationship is that we see eye to eye on everything, and we understand each other… except when it comes to dealing with his child’s mother. I’ve never seriously dated a man with a child before him, and he hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone who is not his son’s mother since they broke up about 5 years ago. All of the major issues we have usually can be traced to something having to do with how he handles situations when it comes to her.

Now, when I decided to jump all the way into a relationship with him, I knew it would be an adjustment being with someone who has a child, as his son will be (and should be) his number 1 priority. But I did not sign up to come in 3rd behind his son’s mother. I feel as if he makes too many decisions that revolve around her feelings, sometimes at the expense of mine. I have yet to meet his son or his son’s mother, so it’s not her personally… Just who she represents. Another woman my man has to deal with everyday.

Anyway, just recently, they took a trip together to visit their son at away camp, together, and I couldn’t figure out why they couldn’t schedule to visit him on 2 different weekends. I was concerned about sleeping arrangements, and he didn’t get that I was uncomfortable and found it inappropriate really, that they would be sleeping in the same room. He made me feel as if I were over-reacting. Was I?? Am I supposed to be okay with something like that? When I asked why couldn’t one of them wait and go another weekend, I was accused of being selfish, as he said “How do you look telling someone they should wait to see their child”, when that’s not it at all, I’m just wondering why they had to go on the SAME weekend.

At any rate, I love him to death, this is the man that I want to spend my life with and he has expressed that he wants the same thing. So what steps do we need to take to smooth things out as far as this situation goes? It’s turned into an argument nearly every time we talk about something dealing with his son’s mother. And we’re both sick of it.

-At The End Of My Damn Rope

Let’s first address your mess: I understand why you were uncomfortable with your guy going on a weekend visit with his son’s mom to see their boy. But you have to always remember that they are co-parenting that child. That means that they will be putting aside a lot of things that are comfortable for them for the sake of their child. You’re with that man, so that means you will too. The relationship he has with that woman hasn’t ended. It has simply changed. You are going to have to get out of your feelings because that kid is never going away and neither is his mama. Outside of the fact that it was just more financially sound for them to make the trip together, it’s good for their son to see them together presenting a united front, not only when he’s misbehaving, but also in happy times.

What rubs me the wrong way about this letter is that you have been seeing this guy for an entire year and you BOTH say you want to spend your lives together, but he hasn’t introduced you to his son or his son’s mother yet? REALLY?? I understand not bringing everybody you date around your kids, as I am a single mom myself. But from what you’re telling me, you two are beyond “just dating”, so what gives? Why haven’t the four of you gone out to have dinner together yet? Doesn’t your man understand that you deserve the peace of mind that will come along with meeting his son’s mother and having a conversation with her? If he says he wants to spend his life with you, shouldn’t his son know who you are by now? His son’s mother needs to meet you as well as you all will need to begin to establish a relationship. Like it or not, spending your life with this man means that you will be a part of this child’s parenting team. All you grown-ups need to embrace that truth.

I’d say the reason that you all always end up in an argument when the discussion turns to his relationship with his son’s mother is because she is still simply an abstract concept to you, steeped in the misconceptions and prejudices that the connotations surrounding the term “Baby Mama” bring with it. It won’t be real until he makes it real for you, his son and his mother. As the man and the common thread through all of your lives, he needs to take the steps to make this happen. Your anxiety about your man spending time alone with his son’s mother will either be eliminated or confirmed once you see the two of them together. At that point, the choice to stay with him or not will be easier for you to make.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share and Enjoy:
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Tumblr
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Google Buzz
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us