When I was a lil’ girl, I used to watch my Grandma use scraps of cloth that she’d collected from here and there and sew the most beautiful patchwork quilts. She’d make some of the warmest and most comfortable quilts all by hand just from random pieces of cloth that weren’t good for anything else.

"Chiiile, you betta stop wishin' & start stitchin'!"

My Grandma has since passed on to Glory, but I still have one of her quilts and it is indeed one my most prized possessions.

Thanks to my Grandma’s creativity and resourcefulness, I’ve figured out how to get the man I want and I’m here to share it with you!

Patchwork him together!!

Oh, I know…you’re wondering what in the hot blue hell I’m talking about, right? I’m talking about love and romance; getting my needs met. I’m tired of waiting for “The One”. Eff waiting. I’m gonna MAKE “The One”, out of the scraps lying around that ain’t really worth a damn on their own, but sewn together will make a wonderful boyfriend. I advise you to do the same.

The main component to patching together “The One” is this: You can’t be married. You’ve already declared before the God of your understanding and the whole wide world that you found “The One”, so gone and sit back and chill on this one. Matrimony is holy. You can bring your friends random scraps, but you are OUT of the Quilting Circle.

As for the rest of us Single Ladies [all da single ladies!], let’s review the best pieces for The Amazing Technicolor Boyfriend:

1.) The Handyman

"I'll fix that right up for you, boo."

This is the guy that helps out when your garbage disposal starts acting up, you need your bathroom painted or some heavy furniture moved. Why should you be doing manual labor or even paying for it when there’s a nice guy vying for your attention that’s great with his hands and is more than willing to help out? How sweet, right? He’s more than worth the wonderful dinner you could cook/order out for him.

2.) The Driver

"Let me drop off this last fare and I'll be right over there to pick you up."

I know this probably doesn’t apply to a lot of you I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. women, but a man who adores you so much that he’s willing to chauffeur you around is a must have on the dating roster. I live in DC and it’s not necessary to have a car in the city. But on the rare occasion that I must venture out into the God-awful suburbs, a nice man with a car to either take me out there or come pick me up or both is a lovely addition to The Quilt. For me, this guy has usually been a cab driver that’s a few years older than I am. A Sugar-Driver, if you will. They just like the company and the conversation, which leads me to my next scrap piece…

3.) The Thinker

"So, what are you reading?"

This guy is smart and likes to share it with you through deep and meaningful conversations. He’ll stimulate your mind and appreciate your thoughts and opinions on things. He’ll understand that you’re more than T&A. He’ll recognize and respect your emotional side. Who doesn’t want that?? Be careful though. This man could also be a douche who only wants to show off his degrees and thinks that MED is the second coming of Black Jesus. Just imagine that guy as a piece you would sew in then have to go BACK in and pick the stitches apart. More trouble than he’s worth.

4.) The Social Butterfly

I hear Mr.West is a GREAT date!

Ok, ok. I know…“Social Butterfly” isn’t exactly a term one would associate with a man, but I couldn’t think of anything comparable that oozes machismo, like athletic cups, tractor pulls and beer. Anyways, this man is the one that will always want to go out and have fun. Hanging with him means nights out at clubs (or lounges and bars, which is what I prefer), concerts, plays and even the occasional trip out of town. He’ll introduce you to his friends who are just as much fun as he is and thus, expand your social circle. He’ll always show you a good time which makes him a perfect piece to your quilt.

5.) The Sex Machine

"Unf. Girl, I'm on my way."

Oh yes, you know I was getting around to this. Grown women, we need this man. The quilt won’t even keep you warm without this piece. This guy is the one you can text at 1:00 am with not much more than an LOL-Smiley Face and by 1:45am be strapped up (always play safely), strapped in and riding into Glory. He’s better than milk when it comes to doing your body good, especially considering how most humans are lactose-intolerant. He’ll know that you’re more than just a beautiful mind. Your T&A and other goody parts will be treated like the heaven they are. Lord knows, that is a daunting task to have accomplished when you’re a single lady trying to live right out in these Mean Streets. Get this player on your team and release that pressure.

Now if you’re lucky enough to find any combination of these five scraps in any amount in ANY man, count yourself lucky and try to stick with him. You are WINNING! But if you’re like me, doomed to play catch with my two cats and read Steve Harvey books for the rest of my days, I suggest you get your needle and thread and gather your pieces. A stitch in time saves nine, My Lovelies.

This one is beautiful. I wanna marry it.

What do you all think? Any other pieces need to be included in our respective quilts? Did I miss anything?