Originally posted April 2008

Hello My Lovelies…

Today is a beautiful day in the Capital City. It’s a breezy, sunshiney 61 degrees-birds are chirping, niglets are running wild and white folks are hopping around in shorts and tank tops. Spring has SPRUNG in the Chocolate City!

I love to walk around in the sun, breathing in pollen-filled air during this time of year. I had the pleasure of running a few errands today, the Ides of April, aka “The Tax Deadline”. Muthafuckas in DC were scrambling like Armageddon is upon us.

And for the first time ever, I was among them.

So the story begins….

This is never how I imagined it would be when I finally gave up the booty hole. I thought it would be with somebody I loved [or at least liked a lot]. He would’ve bought me a few drinks, called me pretty and instructed me to breathe deeply and relax all my muscles.

But NO. My anal cherry was popped by the good folks down at H&R Block. they charged me $200 to prepare a tax return that will only yield me about $3,000. This assault took all of 10 minutes and I am CONVINCED they saw my lil’ ass coming.

I usually do my own return online myself and pay NOTHING because of my angelic cherubs/tax credits Ike & Tina and the wondermous EIC. But because my last lil’ marshmallow boy Jax’s parents didn’t apply for a Employer Tax ID number for 2007 until 2008, the return I filed online in February was kicked out and I had to file a paper return AND wait for a paper damn refund check. I have NEVER filed paper and had no idea what to do. Plus, I procrastinated with the refiling. So I rushed to the neighborhood BSDM shop aka H & R Block this morning to let one of the experts handle it for me. Ms. Jean Kelly was so helpful, smiling and making small talk while plugging in all the little numbers like I do at home.

Then she told me how much I was being charged. $213.
And I went the F*CK OFF!!

No, no, no. I didn’t really. But I saw myself so clearly wreckin’ shop up in that biatch! I could not BELIEVE that exorbitant amount of money for this woman who could not even TYPE to plug in some damn numbers for me!!! That shyt was CRIMINAL! I felt like Omar had caught me out on the block slippin’!!!

I begrudgingly handed over my anorexic ass bank card while fussing profusely about how they are raping the poor, uneducated and desperate people in this community and they should be ashamed of themselves.

They were unimpressed, but thoroughly irritated by my presence. I stayed on a little longer just to talk to and warn others in the waiting area of the their forth-coming rectal assault once their name was called to go into a cubicle with Ms. Kelly or one of her cohorts.

Word to the wise, don’t f*ck with this shyt. You won’t be able to sit down for days.

I’m going to soak in a warm bath w/epsom salts and call my therapist.